Una historia corta en inglés,rememorando a alguien que con su música dejó atmósferas y espacios imposibles de llenar... Keep the peace!!!
It must be the time of the year, the way the sun set over the sea that made her think about him. A sort of heating haze that hugged her was the silent clue for her thoughts to be triggered towards him. A languor that possessed her when she moved or just looked through the window; that was the exact moment and she knew it, as it had been going for years… for thirteen years to be exact.
At first she started blaming herself; had she arrived minutes earlier, it would have never occurred. The feeling of loss and despair had overwhelmed her for a long time; she went over the sequence of events, looking for the guilty party and she always concluded it had been her fault. Seconds earlier, she thought, her hand would have opened that door, he wouldn’t have been dead.
When misery and pain overpowered her and the only thing left was desolation, she had also blamed him. Nights without sleep, sighing to the night, murmuring whys and other possible outcomes, she ended pale, motionless, dumb. She hardly recognized herself when she looked at the image in the mirror: she was herself and she wasn’t. How could she be herself without him?
She stepped into grief looking for depth in every day things but they had lost thickness, meaning and purpose. Everything hurt for her, even making herself a cup of tea. Denial came in waves of self destruction. Her whole being negated his death and the loss of intensity came from disbelief, the truth was less than enough. She was empty, shallow and bare.
Negation gave way to howling; literal howling. Howls rose deep up from her throat, rough and harsh. She nearly punched the wall when desperation had no name, no answer, and no way to go. She bellowed and sobbed, screamed and cursed. She stopped breathing after one of those fits, and panted until fresh air gouged her lungs again. She was afraid of her grief that was tearing her to pieces. It was unnamed, unnatural and insane. She just wanted them to stop, but the sounds were real and came from herself. More often than not her face was squashed, her nose red and her eyes swollen.
How am I going to live?
She heard him in every movement of the house, his footsteps accompanied her when she woke up, had lunch or was reading a book. More than once, she heard his voice. The sound of his voice was clear-cut, that voice that had been swooping and dashing, that had lulled thousands of people, that had produced eruptions of applause from audiences all over the world , that voice that had given identity to his passionate heart. Whenever his songs were performed, a wilderness burst out of the audience. Seductive like the sea; never ceasing, whispering, clamouring, murmuring, his voiced made her soul wander for a spell in the abyss of loneliness he had left her. His voice spoke directly to her soul and in those moments, anger or guilt abandoned her; his voice was sensuous, rich and calm enfolding her body in its soft, close embrace.
Days were long, nights interminable. She sat up in bed, her lips trembling and her whole body shaking like a leaf. She watched the traffic through the window, concentrated on the cars that passed by. In one of those desperate nights, she drifted into sleep and dreamed. They say people can meet each other in their sleep, in their dreams… Most people hide those things for fear the others think them mad. But she met him in her dream and she did not fear. She was in a footpath in a forest; she lifted one hand and shut her eyes, frowning at the blinding sun. It was hard to breathe when she saw him, her arms and legs seemed to waver and soften underneath her.
“Hush,” she heard, but no one had spoken.
He was dressed in white, in one of his classic stage outfit, white pants and loose shirt, open at the cuffs. His hair was shiny and his chocolate coloured curls looked freshly clean but ruffled. She smiled; his looks had always been so breathtaking! He stretched his hand to her and she took it unquestioningly. He took her alongside the path and she could only feel the happiness and peace that staying with him gave her. Later she would recall his features and gestures vividly. And his smile, one of those smiles no one could ever forget. She saw his eyes and through his eyes she saw his soul. The path was even, smooth and grassy, the smell of flowers filled her nostril. There was nothing but joy and calmness. She caught a glimpse of him and his eyes shone in the sunlight. He turned round and faced her. She could not see his features well but she knew them by heart.
“Let go, please…”
She felt her heart struck as if a lightning had parted her in half. He let go of her hand and moved away, softly but firmly, he almost disappeared in the path. She couldn’t move or follow him; she was stuck to the ground. She wanted to cry but had no more tears.
He stopped and faced her again and she knew it was for the last time.
“Some people can’t bear the soul flapping its wings wanting to fly free. Not you, please. You should dare! You’ll never be quite alive until you understand…”
Now he vanished into the horizon.
Much to her surprise, she was not sad. The possibility of having been happy with him for a while was the greatest means of purification. She woke up with a start but in her chest she could only feel love and peace.
“Keep the peace,” she heard him murmuring in her ear.
It was very painful to move away his things, destroy souvenirs and donate clothes to charity; however she understood that she had to let go…let things go, let him go. She could put the pieces back together and was free to start new memories, a new path of happiness for herself.
Years later, when she could detach from the painful reminiscences, she erected a monument in his memory. A tribute to his greatness and passion, to his life and dreams, to his soulful, blessing work, his music…and life went on.
And she found him in the eyes of a child, in the mist of the sea, in the smell of freshly-cut grass…
The end
November 2010
In remembrance of Michael Hutchence
(1960-1997)
